


You promised

by Arvari



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, M/M, So much angst, Suicide, Tony Stark Feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-22
Updated: 2015-03-22
Packaged: 2018-03-19 03:42:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3595026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arvari/pseuds/Arvari
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Loki, please.”<br/>“It is a diplomatic visit, love. Nothing is going to happen.”<br/>“Yeah? So why do you want to protect Thor?”<br/>“Please, Anthony. Stop worrying so much, it doesn't suit you. I am going to be all right. And I will be back before you know I've been away.”<br/>“I really doubt that.”<br/>“Please.”<br/>“Okay. Fine. But if anything happens to you-”<br/>“Nothing is going to happen to me. I promise.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	You promised

**Author's Note:**

> I don't even know how this happened. I am so sorry.

“ _You don't have to go.”_

“ _I'm sorry, Anthony, but I do.”_

“ _No, you don't for fuck's sake. You don't have to always do things that will make your daddy proud.”_

“ _It is not-”_

“ _You don't have to prove yourself_ worhty _all the time.”_

“ _This is not to prove myself worthy, Anthony. I have to protect Thor.”_

“ _Thor can protect himself. And still, you don't_ have _to-”_

“ _I want to. I want to help him. I want to make sure he's safe.”_

“ _I want to make sure_ you _are safe. I love you, for-”_

“ _How many times have I asked you to stop using that word, dearest?”_

“ _Loki, please.”_

“ _It is a diplomatic visit, love. Nothing is going to happen.”_

“ _Yeah? So why do you want to protect Thor?”_

“ _Please, Anthony. Stop worrying so much, it doesn't suit you. I am going to be all right. And I will be back before you know I've been away.”_

“ _I really doubt that.”_

“ _Please.”_

“ _Okay._ Fine. _But if anything happens to you-”_

“ _Nothing is going to happen to me. I promise.”_

 

You promised.

You little shit, you  _promised_ .

I trusted you. I believed you knew what you were doing. You said it was going to be fine. I thought I was really worrying too much.

I hugged you before you left with Thor, before your fancy rainbow bridge opened and swallowed you both. I just hugged you, because we were supposed to be  _friends_ . And then I stepped away. And you smiled at me.

You promised to come back.

And you didn't.

I still can't believe you didn't.

 

I think I am going to remember it forever. Well, for that little time I have left. The moment when the rainbow bridge opened again, only three days after you left.

It was supposed to be a week, wasn't it? I thought that maybe something had gone a little wrong. I didn't know it had all gone so  _terribly_ wrong. But then the rainbow disappeared and Thor was standing there alone. You weren't with him. Everybody raised from their seats as he stepped through the door, tears in his eyes, and I knew...

I knew you weren't coming back.

“It was a trap,” he told us. “It was a trap. They attacked us during the dinner. Loki... Loki teleported the two of us to safety, and then went back to save more. He... He saved six of them. And then he didn't return.”

He was crying when he was saying it.

Telling us that his brother was dead. The man who had become our friend in the past two years was dead.

I wasn't listening to him anymore. My hands were shaking and I wasn't able to breathe. All I could hear was your voice telling me you would come back.

And then someone was talking to me and I forced myself to look up.

“Tony?” Bruce said. “Tony, are you okay? We know you and Loki were close-”

“You have no fucking idea,” I said, my voice hoarse and alien to my ears. “We... We...”

“Oh, no.” Natasha. Of course she would be the first to realize. “Tony...”

I felt tears on my face.

“We were together,” I whispered. “We were together for ten months. I... I... I love him. I love him. I've wanted to tell you all the time, but he didn't... He didn't...”

Bruce's arms wrapped around me and I sobbed.

I lost you.

 

Thor said we could come to your funeral. We did.

I remember you laying there, in a fucking boat almost ready to sail, motionless, pale, your face absolutely calm, your beautiful green eyes closed.

“Are you sure he's dead?” Clint asked, ever so sensitive. “I mean, he's fooled you quite a few times...”

I kneeled beside the little boat and touched your hand. It was as cold as ice, as cold as your other form. I didn't cry. It seemed I had no tears left.

“But he has no reason to lie now,” I said. And then I started to talk to you, without even realizing. “You don't, do you? Of course you don't. But if you do, if you are alive... Please. Give me a sign. Do anything. If this is just a game, I need to know, please, I promise not to tell anyone, please, Snow White. Please, do something, do anything. Please...”

You didn't. Of course you didn't.

“Tony,” said Steve.

I shook my head and leaned in to kiss your lips. For the first time ever they didn't respond.

“I love you, sweetie. I love you so much.”

You hated it when I called you sweetie.

I didn't see your boat sail. I didn't see your body catch on fire.

It seemed I had a few tears left.

 

It's been two months. Everyone thinks I'm fine. Everyone thinks I'm  _coping_ . I make them think so.

Why should they know I cry my eyes out every single night? Why should they know I always sleep on your side of the bed and try to convince myself I can still feel your scent on the pillow? Why should they know I kept some of your clothes, including all your band T-shirts, and wear them when I'm alone?

I'm not coping. I am dying inside.

I remember our talk about my mortality a few months ago. I remember telling you I didn't know if I'd survive losing you.

You smiled one of those sad, little smiles you sometimes had, and looked at me.

“My dearest,” you said. “I know I will not survive losing you.”

 

I talked to Thor yesterday, you know. Asked him if you were in Valhalla. Because, you know, you died in battle and all that shit. Thor said you weren't there. He said you were in Hel.

“He made his choice before he died,” Thor murmured. “He made a deal with Hela, the... queen of the dead. He asked her to come and collect his soul, even if he died in a battle. He made her promise she would come for him before the Valkyries would. And she did.”

“Oh,” I said. “And... You know what they say, that after you die, your soul goes where you believe it should go, so Christians go to heaven or hell or whatever and so on, and... That the afterlife is just like you imagined when you were alive? Does that mean that if I believe in your version of the afterlife now, that if I believe in Hel and Valhalla and all that shit...”

“Yes, I believe that you will go there.”

“And... Can I make my choice, too? I mean, last week, I nearly... It was my fault, I know. But if I die in battle, can I say I want to go to Hel and not to Valhalla?”

“You cannot. I am sorry.”

“But Loki-”

“Loki made a deal with Hela,” Thor repeated.

“Can I make one, too?” I asked.

Thor shook his head.

“Loki and Hela were... associates. In a way. They... She will not agree to help you, I am afraid. She shouldn't have even helped Loki.”

“Oh. So... That means that if I die in a battle, I go straight to Valhalla.”

“Yes.”

I closed my eyes.

“In that case... Thor, there is one more question. And I want you to answer me and _not_ to tell anyone I asked you this. I... I won't lie to you, I won't tell you I ask out of curiosity, but you must promise me you-”

“No, my friend,” he said. “There is no penalty for taking your own life.”

I looked at him. He was sad, incredibly sad, even though he tried to smile.

“I'm sorry, Thor,” I whispered. “I tried to, but I can't-”

“I understand,” he said. “Thank him for me. For saving my life, and the lives of the others. Tell him I love him.”

“I will.”

 

“Jarvis. Start the recording.”

“Yes, sir.”

I look into the camera and try to smile. I fail miserably.

“Hi, guys,” I say and wave. “First of all, Bruce, you were right when you said those bots looked like mine. Sorry about that, I had to get you all out of the tower. And sorry for... Yeah. Guys, this is my goodbye. If you are running for the elevator now, you can stop. Jarvis won't take you downstairs until you have heard this, and besides, you can't help me. I made sure I'd be long gone before you get this. And I mean _gone._ Sorry about that, too. I know I let you think I was doing okay, but I am really not. I... I miss him. I can't live without him. I just can't. And I have to make sure I don't get myself killed and end up in fucking Valhalla, because that would mean an eternity without him and no chance to escape. In the end, I'd have to stand against him during the Ragnarök, which... Just no, thanks.” The tears are running down my face again. “I wish there was another way, but there isn't one. I have to do this, the sooner the better. I need to see him again, you know? I... I am really sorry. Brucie, please, forgive me. And don't be angry at yourself, you couldn't have done anything. I guess I knew it would and up like this from the moment Thor told us. You couldn't have helped me, please trust me. Guys, I really love you, and I hate myself for doing this to you, but I hope you'll understand. Nat, I took one of the poisons from your super secret box. Told you you shouldn't keep this stuff in the Tower. It should make this pretty clean, but... I think you should be the one to go downstairs, just in case. I'm sorry, girl, I'm... I'm so sorry. I love you guys. Goodbye.”

I close my eyes and Jarvis stops the recording.

“You remember the instructions, buddy?” I ask quietly.

“Yes, sir. But please, sir-”

“No pleading, J.,” I say. “I have to do this. You know it.”

I open the little bottle.

“Sir, you should be aware that I have no emotions. I am unable to understand why-”

“Jarvis.”

“I understand, sir,” he answers. “And I would like to tell you it was my pleasure to be your 'invisible servant' and 'the biggest pain in the ass after Pepper'.”

“Yeah, I love you, too, mate,” I smile. “I'm sorry.”

“You don't need to apologize, sir.”

I raise the bottle to my lips.

“Daddy's going to sleep now, Jarvis.”

I drink it all.

 

I don't remember closing my eyes, but when I open them, you are there, dressed in your Asgardian outfit, staring at me.

“Snow White,” I breath out. “You're... You're alive!”

“I am certainly not,” you snort. “And neither are you.”

I turn around and I can see myself on the sofa. My eyes are staring into nothingness, but otherwise there is nothing clearly wrong with me. Right. It was pretty clean.

I turn around again to face you.

“So you are... What? A new Death?” The words almost catch in my throat. I don't even know why I'm saying that. “Because, frankly, I think you're not skinny enough.”

“How are you capable of babbling even after you died?”

I take a step forward and raise my hand. It's you. It has to be you. I feel my eyes water and how can I even  _cry_ if I am  _dead_ ? But you are standing in front of me and it has to be you, because only you ever make fun of my babbling. I touch your face with my fingers and you smile one of those little smiles.

“You're here,” I whisper. “I can touch you.”

“Yes.”

I raise my other hand. I touch your face, your lips, I run my fingers trough your silky hair, over your broad shoulders...

“You are here,” I repeat. “ I thought I'd never see you again.”

And I realize you're crying, too, and you are touching me, too, and you...

“I know,” you whisper. “You shouldn't have... You had so much more to give to your world...”

“You should have thought of that before you decided to die.”

You giggle at that.

“Anthony,” you say. “My Anthony. I have missed you so much.”

“And you think I haven't?” I ask. “You fucking liar. You promised to come back.”

“I know. I am sorry. I am sorry...”

I look into your eyes. God, how I love the green.

“I love you,” I say.

“And I love you,” you answer.

You are holding me in your arms now and you are shaking. I feel your breath on my face. How can you breathe? How can I? This afterlife of yours needs some serious explanation.

But that can wait, I decide when you kiss my lips. Everything can wait.

The only important thing is that you are with me again.


End file.
